I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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