I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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