Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
