i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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