Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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