My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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