One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
