no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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