After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
