If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
