too bad you live with your parents still
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
