I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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