I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
