I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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