someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
