is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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