Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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