walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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