Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
