Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize