why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
