she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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