I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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