so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
