Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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