Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
