Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
