maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
