He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
