I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize