i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He kissed a someone with a penis
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
