Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
