are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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