sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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