Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
