If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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