I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
do nipples grow back?
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