My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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