She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
