i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize