I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I queefed so loud it echoed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
