Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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