Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
