my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
