sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
