Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
