I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
