We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
