my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
