I didn't shave. On purpose
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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