he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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