Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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