as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
