The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
