dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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