I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
