He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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